2014: A Retrospective

I've been trying to think of a way to do justice in tribute to 2014. It was probably the most positive full year I've had in my adult life, so I want to reflect that.

It wasn't the year that everything was perfect. It wasn't the year that I never cried. It wasn't the year that I just "finally got over everything." It wasn't the year that everyone liked me.

It was the year that I figured out how to stand on my own feet again, maybe not straight and tall, but on the ground. It was the year that I decided I'm worth it, and I can (and am going to be) okay. It was the year that I started to see that it's okay to cry, to hurt, to not be over it yet, to ask someone to be there for me without being rejected or insulted. It was the year that I started to give less of a shit what everyone thinks of me. It was the year I started to understand what "love" truly means. It was the year I started to fall in love with myself.

It was the first year, in maybe ever, that I could confidently call "my year."




In January I started back up at Lincoln Behavioral Services (a Wayne county community mental health facility), and was able to get back on a medication regimen. As opposed as I am to taking meds for my issues, I think it's helping. I had gone back for therapy, though, and ended up having to wait 8 months to finally see a therapist, due to mental health care funding cuts. After months of jumping through hoops to get some sort of health insurance, with the consequence being a complete termination of my mental health care, I got approved for Healthy Michigan. I didn't know it was going to be full-fledged health insurance, as I was so focused on the therapy aspect, but when I found out I could finally get back to seeing a doctor I was overjoyed. It's a big deal, especially since I was born with a hypoactive thryroid and it's extremely important that I get regular blood work done and have access to medication. I now have health insurance for the first time since 2005, and am seeing a therapist that I connect with very well.

I did a trial work program through Michigan Rehabilitation Services from April to June, where I tried different kinds of jobs while being evaluated. It was extremely difficult, and honestly somewhat discouraging. Hopefully, it will be somewhat helpful to my disability case, as it really was a strong indicator that I have a long way to go before I'll be able to hold down a job.

We moved twice, living briefly with very gracious friends, and eventually moving into our own apartment. Trinity got her own room, too! It's wonderful to live somewhere that feels like home and I love our little place.

Shortly after moving in, and by shortly I mean a couple of days later, we left on our first trip together to Texas. My beloved cousin Evelyn was getting married, and not only could I not miss the wedding, but it was an opportunity to show Ryan where I had lived and introduce him to so many people that I love. It was a great trip, and hopefully we'll be able to return relatively soon!

In August, we celebrated our one year anniversary. It didn't feel like it had only been a year. We're now almost half way into our second year and it still doesn't even feel like it's been one. I am so lucky and grateful to be together with my best friend. I'll spare all of you the mushiness for the moment.

This year, Ryan's family began feeling like my own. They have made my life easier and happier than they probably even realize. They've made me feel welcome, they've made me feel like I'm a part of something. Family has always been of such importance to me, and it's been hard for me to feel like I'm a part of most of my own for a long time. These people go out of their way to let me know that I'm one of them, and I seriously can't put into words how much that means. I love each and every one of them with my whole heart. It was enough to have such an amazing and loving man, but I get his people too!? What a time to be alive!

And don't get me started on that little girl. I love her so much. She makes me feel like an amazing person. The bond between us is beautiful. The fact that she's so much like I was as a kid helps, obviously, but Trinity is as much a love of my life as her daddy. She's going to be president of the United States one day, and it's going to be fabulous. I love her little face, her creativity, and watching how much she's grown in the last year has been astounding.

Also in 2014, I began embarking on my quest to rediscover my hobbies and talents that I had long since abandoned in favor of survival. Ryan has been a huge help in this as well. Video games, art, writing, and a bit of cooking and baking again. I even started working toward writing the story I've been trying to write since I was about 12 years old. I'm starting to feel more like myself all the time.

In November I found out that my hearing for disability is scheduled for February 5th of 2015. I have been working my ass off trying to get loose ends tied for this case. I really need this to happen for a multitude of reasons: financial security for myself and my family, paying debts to people who have helped me along the way, and not having to constantly feel like a lazy piece of trash for not having a job, among others. So I've been doing all I can to make sure I've tapped every source of evidence in support of my case. I'm extremely grateful to have a lot of people who are willing to write letters in support of my condition!

Not every moment of 2014 has been filled with joy. We had complications, though nothing that couldn't be handled and turned into greater strength.

At the end of the year, I began to consider that there may be more to my constant state of fatigue and the ease with which I become exhausted on many levels. My thyroid tests have shown normal levels, and my doctor is concerned, but we're going to figure it out. So far, a chest X-ray and EKG have been normal, and we're waiting on blood work results. I have a feeling it's just chronic fatigue, and I don't know who wouldn't be wiped out after all I've been through! I'm relatively confident that it's nothing serious.

Throughout the year I hit a few other rough spots, had some major depressive episodes that lasted days or months, periods that I feared a panic attack was impending (which sometimes lasted a couple weeks)... These have been a part of my life for the majority of it, and it never really gets any easier. I wish I could say that I'm all better now, but I'm not always and I finally realize that that's okay. I've finally reached a point in my life that I'm able to stop and reflect on things, and as much as I am all for moving forward and being in the present, past traumas do require that I face what I have been through so that I can process the events in a healthy manner. It is, in itself, an extremely difficult thing to do and a terribly painful thing to go through, but I'm up to the task. I'm determined to defeat these demons and live a happy life!

2014 was the year that I began to face and grieve the loss of my parents (yes, both of them), of my home, of many years of my life that I had to spend fighting for myself. It was the year that I began validating myself, as far as that the abuse I endured was wrong and that I didn't deserve it, and that everything wasn't my fault. I finally have a defined, constant, and stable support system, and although as 2015 begins I am still trying to figure out how to take advantage of it, it's a fantastic feeling.

It was the year that I realized I don't have to put up with anyone or anything that makes me feel bad, about myself or otherwise. As a person who cares a great deal about others, it's hard for me to think of someone's thoughts or feelings as unimportant, even if they are untrue or unfair thoughts and feelings about me. I guess, in a way, I'm getting that sometimes I have to see myself as important enough to disregard the opinion of another. I'm learning to trust myself and believe in my worth, and it's a difficult thing for me to internalize. I'm learning that I don't need to be hard on myself for the times that I don't have the energy or emotional resources to be social, that I'm not a bad friend for having these periods.

For a long time I was told in many different ways that my feelings, and sometimes existence, were unimportant and irrelevant. I was lead to believe lots of terrible things about myself. I have always tried to do my best, and am overwhelmed with sadness, guilt, and a feeling of failure if I can't be perfect. I've spent too many years believing I was inherently bad, and that I need to keep my sadness to myself. I had no business or right to bring my troubles to another person, no matter how badly I needed someone to hear me and be there for me. I still have a hard time with a lot of this, but I'm getting there.

If you're still reading this, I want to close it out with my appreciation for you. I have struggled long and hard, and you may have been there through all or much of it, or you may have just entered into my life and care anyway. I can't stress to you how vastly important it is to just be heard, to be listened to and validated. I know there are people out there who roll their eyes at me, who think I'm dramatic or whatever, and for far too long I've focused on those people and accepted that I am deserving of such regard. I guess if I have a resolution for 2015, it's to pay less attention to them and more attention to you. Even if you've done nothing more than "like" my posts, leave an encouraging comment, or send a message when I've had a hard time. If you've been one of the people who has called me, talked to me, pulled me away for a bit even just to grab some lunch. Even if you've been caught up in life, or are having a hard time yourself and feel like you could have done more as a friend-- you're just as valuable because your love is felt even when you're quiet. I hope all of you realize how much you are appreciated, and how big of a thing a little thing can be.

And Ryan. Thank you so much for being there for me the way you are. You support me and listen to me in a way that no one ever has, and you make me feel truly understood. You give me hope, even when I feel hopeless. You are proving that love is the cure. You seriously take the best care of me in more ways than you even know. I have a long road ahead of me, and it's not going to be smooth sailing, but I know that in the times when it's not so easy to walk on my own, I won't ever have to do it alone. I can't thank you enough for being all that you are, in respect to me or otherwise. I can't thank you enough for everything you do for me. I know you think you haven't done all that much, and that I don't give myself enough credit, but damn it you get credit too!! 2014 wouldn't be half the great year it was without you! I love you more than words could ever do justice, and we're going to make 2015 the best year yet!

In 2014, I didn't defeat every trouble I've ever had. Every struggle did not disappear. Things didn't stop being hard.

But 2014 was the year that didn't defeat me, not even once.

2015 is looking like it will be full of more love, more triumph, and more happiness. I'm ready for it, let's go!~